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My Poetry, Uncategorized

For The Best

FOR THE BEST

They say the only way to heal is if you face and accept what has hurt you.  Face your fears.  Acknowledge your past.  So, here I am.  A restless spirit, some might say, releasing it all.  Everything about us that I tried so hard to bury deep within.  All the things I tried so hard to sweep under the rug about you, I now bring to the center of the floor in one big pile of dirt. I see it all ever so clearly.  You were really messed up.  You ruined my life in a way unlike any other person I’ve ever known… Literally.

You taught me that sometimes people do crazy things just to hold on to a bit of happiness.  I get it.  When you and I were together, you were the happiest you had ever been.  I had given you hope.  Made your heart come alive.  And I saw it in your eyes.  You weren’t lying, at least not about that. But in the midst of being happy, you became afraid.  Afraid of losing me.  Terrified that I might discover your dark secrets and run away.  And if I ran away, that meant you would lose me forever.  That was something you couldn’t afford to happen.  So, naturally, you resorted to lying.  Even told me you loved me to get me emotionally attached. You became possessive.  Manipulative.  You stalked my social media accounts, monitoring my conversations, yet you denied it through and through. And, even though I was always faithful to you, you always assumed the worst of me, because you did the worst things imaginable behind my back.  Your insecurities and paranoia finally popped out and I saw you change.  I saw how dark you could go.  All of this to keep me with you.  Until, one day, your controlling ways became a bit too much for me and everything you tried so desperately to hold onto slipped right out of your grip.  Overnight, our fairytale turned into a nightmare.  That was our new reality.  And, being that I am no fan of nightmares, I opted for a better dream — a dream where I could be free from you — and I said goodbye…

Woe to me for saying that word to you.  Woe. To. Me.  Maybe I should’ve left without you knowing I was leaving.  Maybe I should’ve pretended to be happy with you, while slowly packing my things and moving them somewhere else behind your back.  But, I didn’t think about that then. I seriously thought you were a normal guy.  But you don’t handle breakups too well… at least I see that now.  The warning signs that you were dangerous were there, yet I stayed and your rage, your paranoia, festered.  The monster inside of you grew…

And now I’m watching you, from a dimension you cannot see, with your other victims.  Watching you work your charms on another woman the way you did on us.  Oh, that poor girl.  How long will it take before you show her your dark side and it lands her here with me?  How long will it take before you make her a restless spirit, floating around like me and the others, waiting for justice to be served? 

Maybe I should be thankful for this new life of mine.  At least I got my wish.  I am free from you… and that’s for the best.

 

Manessah B.

Couch Talks, Wisdom & A Cup of Joe

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My Poetry, Uncategorized

As It Comes Back

The temperature in my room is falling…
or, maybe, I’m just growing colder inside.
Hope floating further away from the sun.

Thunder echoes and there’s a darkness over me,
yet how can that be
when it has been sunny with clear, blue skies
outside my window for weeks?

The storm… It has come back.
Pulling me into that place I try not to go.

I am detached.  Drifting.
Living in two worlds at once –
The world where, outwardly, I am blissful.
The world where, inwardly, I am miserable.

As if I am watching life pass by
from another dimension,
my spirit floats without a destination.
Living in an emotional purgatory.

Smiling faces… are they my friends?
Words of admiration come with questions of sincerity.
Screams for help cannot be heard,
because pseudo happiness has sound proof walls.

Someone save me from these dark days!

I scream! I pound the walls!
But who will hear?
Whose eyes truly have the vision
to see I’m in distress?

My smiles are falling off.
The glue no longer sticks.
The darkness in my eyes
is merely a starless universe.
I’m fighting to not drown in an ocean,
while the version of myself I give others
appears happy-go-lucky on sandy shores…

As It comes back.

 

Manessah B.

Couch Talks, Wisdom & A Cup of Joe

My Poetry, Uncategorized

Greedy Girl

You got a man at home, yet you want mine.
Covetous eyes watching like a true thief
looking in my window for things that shine.

Greedy girl.
Greedy one.
Your integrity is a withered leaf.

In the bushes, you hide watching my life.
Wanting to stake claim on a heart not yours.
So jealous. You forget you’re someone’s wife.

Greedy girl.
Greedy one.
Your actions are something that I abhor.

Love is a buffet, yet you want my plate.
All because your palate seeks something new.
The sanctity of love you violate.

Greedy girl.
Greedy one.
You act like my friend, but I see through you.

Like a shark, you seek blood in happiness.
Can’t stand to see someone have what you don’t.
Outside my life’s window you stare and plot.
Figuring out ways to get what I’ve got.
It’s not about love. It’s all about lust.
You’ll tell him anything to win his trust.
In your mind, you think you’re the better deal.
But the love you promise is far from real.
If you loved him, you would want him happy.
Yeah, you want him happy, just not with me.

Greedy girl.
Greedy one.
You need to go back home.
Focus on the man you already own.

 

Manessah B.

Couch Talks, Wisdom & A Cup of Joe

Thoughts On Life, Uncategorized

What Do You Love About Me?

What do you love about me?

Hmm… see that’s a question that seems to stump a lot of people.  The first thing someone usually says is something like I love that you have a pretty smile, or you are so sweet.  I love that you are great in bed, or some shallow crap like that.  Yeah… you and a million other people on this planet share that quality.  Dig deeper.  Do you ever find yourself asking that of someone?  Hoping they will say something that is beyond surface deep…

Like…

I love that you have no problem stopping everything you’re doing, just to make sure those you love are taken care of. You work day in and day out pouring your blood, sweat and tears into everything you do and sometimes never getting acknowledgement for it.  Yet, you never complain about it.  Because you’re not a complainer.  You are a doer.  And you don’t do something seeking approval, or praise for it.  You do something, because you love what you do.

Or maybe…

I love that you stand up for what you believe in and never back down when challenged. You face obstacles head on, and I know there are times you may be afraid of a fight, afraid of losing, but with shaking knees and a rapidly beating heart you stand tall in the face of your challenges and you appear as if no one intimidates you.  But you want to know what I love about you even more?  The fact that you make me want to be just like you and live in your example.

How about this…

I love that you are a teacher to so many and don’t see it.  Do you know that everyday I am with you I learn something about life, something about myself, that I never knew before?  And that’s because of you.  You open my eyes with your love, with your infinite wisdom… and those hands… Gosh, baby, those hands….

They do so much more than caress my pains away, or give me warmth when you hold me.  They literally push me in directions in life that I feel are for the betterment of me.  Those hands lift me, mold me and help me become a better lover, a better person, a better friend, a better… Me. 

 

Yeah.. I could tell you that I love that you’re a great cook.
I could tell you that I love that you are banging hot and sexy.
I could go on and on about how smart and talented you are…
But, the truth is, those things are just surface deep.

What do you love about me?

Can you answer that?

 

 

Manessah B.

Couch Talks, Wisdom & A Cup of Joe

My Poetry, Uncategorized

Push/Pull

I don’t like being this woman…
Carrying the weight of a heart made of stone
inside my chest.
Wearing all this heavy armor,
because I don’t trust anyone to touch my heart.
I won’t let them in.
And I wish I could.

But that’s what happens
when a heart has been broken
too many times.
When trust has been destroyed
in the fire of lies.
When hellos that promise forever
turn into tragic goodbyes.

God, I wish I could let someone in,
but I can’t.
So, I give you the woman you see.
Tough as nails,
skin made of steel…
Not a soft spot to be found.

But it’s all a facade.
Just me trying to protect
the little heart I got.
I trained myself to be this way.
I blind myself from seeing love.
I cover my ears from hearing about it.
I bite my tongue to keep from saying its name.
But my pen…
It writes
and writes
of love,
because my heart tries to beat it
out of its system.

But my heart’s a fountain of love
meant to never run dry.
Meant to love, but never be loved back.
And I’m getting used to that.

So this push and pull
I take you through …
It’s me fighting love,
yet wishing I can let it in.
Fighting vulnerability,
yet wishing I could just let you see
how hard this is for me
to open myself fully to you.
Hoping that you won’t hurt me, too.

I push
I pull
I push
I pull…

Because,
I don’t want you to see
that I pretend to feel nothing
for you.

 

Manessah B.

Couch Talks, Wisdom & A Cup of Joe

My Poetry, Uncategorized

A Heart That I Can Call Home

Look at this box full of lovable, little kittens.
Each one so small, so helpless.
Wanting love, wanting attention.
Wanting out of that cold, brown prison of a box.

But, there’s one that speaks to me.
One that gets my attention a little more.
Its little eyes, so round and ready to play.
Yet, there’s a sadness in them.
I look in those big round eyes
and catch a reflection of myself
staring in them.

This kitten has spent days
watching the other kittens get picked first.
It has spent days watching others find a home
in the arms of people eager to give them love.
No matter how cute it is,
no matter how loving it is, or how softly it purrs
for affection,
for attention…
It’s never enough to make someone snatch them
from that box.

This kitten knows about being the one never picked.
This kitten puts on a show with the biggest, dilated pupils
the world has ever seen.
Pretending to be in the mood to play,
when all it really wants to do is curl up
in a tiny, furry ball
and hide from the world in hopeless disappointment.
Because it knows when the sun rises,
it will have to face another day
of watching the other kittens
get what it so desperately wishes to have..
A home.
To be loved.
Given attention.
To be nurtured and shown
that its life was not destined to be lived
in that cold, brown cardboard box.

I watch this kitten reach for me
with its tiny, almost like cotton paws,
playing with the heart necklace dangling from my neck.
And I smile at it, scratching underneath its little chin
thinking
Yeah I want that, too…
a heart that I can call home.

 

Manessah B.

Couch Talks, Wisdom & A Cup of Joe

My Poetry, Uncategorized

In This Place I Can’t Call Home

Monochromatic memories
now paint these silent walls
and, if I listen closely in the quiet,
I can hear them mourning
the death of Us.

Love
the color we painted
every wall with.
Now its vibrancy fades,
chipping from lack of care,
because I stayed here
and you chose there.
And it takes two
to keep this paint
from fading.

The couch,
the bed…
they ask
where is the laughter.
What happened to the nights
you and I
had those playful fights
that turned into
cuddles and kisses,
as the rain hit the window?

Love, your side of the bed
still remains cold,
while my side of the bed
can no longer feel my warmth.

In the dark silence,
I lay here with lost hope.
Heart sinking deeper and deeper.
Mind floating further and further
away.

I drift.

I call out your name…
But forget you’re not here.

It’s just me
in this place
I can’t call home.

 

Manessah B.

Couch Talks, Wisdom & A Cup of Joe

My Poetry, Uncategorized

Someone I Should Not Want

Toxic. I know that’s what you are.
All the signs say I should stay far
from you.

But, tell me just what do you do
when your heart holds your sense hostage?
How does one shut down foolish thoughts,
when there is no switch they can spot?
Show me how to make my eyes see
all the reasons you’re bad for me.

Because
I want someone I should not want.
I want someone I should not want.

Damaged. That’s how I will end up.
This heart of mine just won’t let up
on you.

But, tell me just what do you do
when your ears can’t hear the warnings?
Deafened by the foolish heartbeats
that skip for my future defeat.
Just what do you do when you’re numb
and can’t feel the danger that comes?

All the signs say I should stay far.
Toxic. I know that’s what you are.
This heart of mine just won’t let up.
Damaged. That’s how I will end up.
All the reasons you’re bad for me.
Show me how to make my eyes see
I want someone I should not want.

I want someone I should not want.

 

Manessah B.

Couch Talks, Wisdom & A Cup of Joe

My Poetry, Uncategorized

Conundrums of the Heart

He wasn’t planning for this to happen…

The woman he thought was his future – Past.
The girl used to forget the past – Present.
A woman he just met…that’s his future.

Even scientists cannot explain this —
The phenomenon of his beating heart
existing with the past, present, future.
Split in agony. Causing confusion.
Feeling pain, pleasure and hope all at once.
Hurting from his past.
Present — numbing pain.
But her… the answer.

The woman of his dreams there in the flesh.
His heart beats for a future uncertain…

Yet, his heart beats for a present that’s sure…

While beating to accept a past that’s done.

How can this be?

He asks himself this question worriedly.
Fore he knows this is sure to cause problems.
Because he’s not fully over his past.
He cares for his present, but not in love.
Now his eyes are glued on someone he wants…
Someone he wants,
hopes
could be his future.

What a conundrum this poor man is in.
Heartbroken by his past, while numbing pain
with a present he can’t see as future.
Spending his days thinking about someone
that he feels in his heart could be the One.

 

Manessah B.

Couch Talks, Wisdom & A Cup of Joe